It has been so long since I have written. Amazingly I put off my words, my writings and sentiments that bring me comfort. I feel I could explode with emotion sometimes. Always feeling overwhelmed by gratitude and love from others but a direct polar feeling for myself. Some type of self loathing that wishes nothing for me. No hopes, no dreams. Only day dreams trying to negate reality, my reality is much better then what my mind’s eye sees. My mind’s eye only sees a tainted world. One still holding on to the abandonment of a father, a man that should have walked over oceans to see me, but would not even pick up a phone to hear my voice. My mind’s eye only wishes to see a shattered past, one of longing, one of hurting. It lingers there. It sees not the loveliness I have experienced, the love others feel for me. I need that for myself. This self hatred needs to be abolished. I don’t wish to stare into the abyss any longer. I am not this abyss that calls to me. That tries to cradle me in my flaws, and disappointments. It always whispers so gently but there is nothing but whispers in this abyss. Whispers of despair, no true reflection only darkness. I cry out but no one hears me. I cannot even hear myself. I ignore my own cries as if they do not exist. Perhaps they do not anymore. I have lost sight of what the cries are about. I have silenced myself, only numbness and sadness remains here. I want to get out. I need to get out.
