It has been a while since my last entry. Not that I have abandoned the blog, or the concept of being a prodigal. I actually took it upon myself to see a professional in regards to my issues involving former religious organization entanglements. It has been quite the process, including night terrors overtaking my sleep as I rehash the negativity which I have buried within. I was unaware of how certain encounters had so tremendously forged their negative effects to the very core of my being.
At first I felt very defeated by this occurrence. The first year after leaving the organization I let defeat resonate throughout my outlook. My confidence was gone, my ability to be around people, and any inkling of having hope for my future had dissipated. I wanted to curl up in a dark corner free from anyone who would require anything from me. I was angry. Too many people wanted too many things for too long. Hurt mixed with anger set in. Hurt due to the fact that I thought of these people as family, and close friends. People who would really consider me and my well being before demanding everything, and casting aside my efforts with gestures of ungratefulness. It took a long time to get from utter defeat to hurt, and anger. My therapist tells me that hurt and sadness keeps us feeling defeated, but once we feel anger we can begin to mobilize. Not mobilizing us to act in vengeance although it might appear appealing. There has been many a day dream of me dancing outside the building as it burns to the ground. It may seem harsh, but do not judge me I did not go through with it. I did have a dream though that the leader of this organization experienced the end of his little empire. In my dream I was able to be witness to this happening. I was not an active part in creating his demise, but I saw it happen. I saw him loose everything material, and financial that seems to be so dear to his heart. He does not seem to be the type that values, family or friends. He has thrown many of them aside en route to his material “success”. I do not know if this dream will become reality, but I realized that it does not matter. It felt like a message though, a message of equalization. A message of what Christian’s call sowing and reaping, or what many believe to be Karma. You know the saying “you’ve made your bed now you have to lie in it” it seems to apply to it as well. In my dream I was not ecstatic at his demise either, merely aware of it. I woke up that day feeling peaceful, as if there was calm over the whole world. I had witnessed what should be, or perhaps an alternate universe. It was so very real to me, as if it had actually occurred, and its affect on me were real. Peace, the kind of peace that calms a deep rooted anger. The kind of peace that whispers to you “no matter what the outcome, you are ok” and I am ok.
It is things like this that the therapy brings up. Sometimes like a painful stomach bug that almost cripples you until you fight through it and have to face its disgusting remnants again. More painful then when it went down, as I just took it all in. To look back at first would cause me such sadness. I would think about how I allowed it to happen in the first place. How could I have been so naive and trusting? How could I simply follow so blindly? How could I have been so brainwashed? How many others feel the same as I do? How many have been hurt, and taken advantage of? Why do people keep falling for the same lies? Where was my trust in myself? It was seriously lacking.
These last couple years have been me picking up the pieces that remain, and making the best of the life before me. Even though my emotions and mentality have not caught up yet my life now is far better than before. A life that I can be in control of, and take responsibility for a life where I can make strategic decisions for my life and see a positive outcome. No longer able to lay blame on the past or to wish it harm. Although it was a beautiful scene as I watched a representing symbol burn to the ground. The flames danced to the whistling of the wind while the embers sparkled like the stars in the night sky. However whether the situation is equalized in my lifetime and I get to be witness to it, or not there is calm in my life. A peace that allows me to move on past the burning building into a bright future that exists beyond what had occurred within those walls.
