Some bad choices do not evoke a wasted life.
Some days seem to amount to that, when I begin to pile on the bad choices I have made. The neglect I have shown myself and my life. Neglect to plan, and pursue something worth having or doing. I continue to pile my regret, and false independence. Independence which I squandered away just as I had done with my savings, and my education. When I continue to bury myself in all my own self loathing, what is it that truly remains? Me – I do not know what that is some days, or what that can amount to in the future.
The pile ends up burying me. Until I cannot see out, as if numb in my tomb which I have helped build. With life’s challenges which are inevitable and the bad choices I have made I find myself in a fog, haze of sorts which allows me to vaguely see ahead. Ahead down the road and ahead to the future. Without seeing ahead I panic, I make short ended decisions. Short ended decisions perhaps bad decisions. I feel this depression may blind me forever.
Perhaps I will be a gypsy of sorts marred by life’s pain. Touched by many beliefs, and lives, that have helped shape me into the cynical elderly person I become. One who encourages others with fear and mystery, the uncertainty of what lays ahead, a misguidance through haze.
Perhaps we will all be hurt, that is but certain. But to wander alone to never become part of anything that is worse than the hurt we will heal from. A wound of flesh or soul will heal, it may take many years but tourniquet of life will help it heal. The same life that allows us to hurt will help us to heal.
Better to become committed to something, to love, bond with a cause or an individual, to hope in yourself in others, and in the future, to believe in something greater then oneself. Life can be much less hazy with these things.
Perhaps this prodigal need not be enveloped by the nomadic lonesome life that I feel.
Perhaps I am ready to take action, to embrace the changes in my life, and in fact start some changes of my own instead of becoming and remaining victim to all the inevitable changes that have all ready occurred.
To choose life is better. A life without depression is perhaps attainable. Either way the haze need not blur the journey.
