Losing one’s identity…
Depending on what one uses to determine their identity…
I didn’t realise but as I was becoming a young adult, my faith which I mistook to go hand in hand with religion began to shape my life. Most small and major choices were affected by my religious views. I thought this was my faith too. My “faith” was making me see what was right and wrong, and what was seen as holy and unholy. I thought it was my faith that justified the judgement I would pass on others because they were doing something that was wrong, or unholy. Or the judgement I would pass on myself. I am my worst enemy, as most of us are.
Since I was building a life out of choices which were based on my religion which was being mistaken for my faith that meant my identity was based on my religion. Very dangerous allowing a movement, to control my destiny by controlling my decisions, and letting myself believe that what the organization says my destiny can be.
When I lost “faith” (no pun intended) in the religious organization I was a part of, it started spilling into other areas of my life, and my identity. I thought that everything the organization stood for that I also stood for. I felt as though my identity was interwoven with the organization. Now that I was severing my ties with the organization it seemed as though I was tearing at myself. Pulling at pieces that were so tightly knit that to sever them felt like the death of me, or a large part of me. The part of me that steered the ship up until that point, the part that guided my daily choices and activities, as if I without that part was not whole.
It has taken time to rebuild the parts of me that were broken. Parts that I allowed to break by building on someone else’s foundation rather than my own, when did stop thinking for myself? Whenever I stopped does not matter now, all I can be grateful for is the opportunity to start over again, building a firm foundation knowing that I can indeed think for myself. That I am no longer part of some second string cult masquerading itself as a religious organization. But run by one individual directing all of his congregates to perform duties that see his vision fulfilled by weaving it into what seems as the religious right way. That all we do to represent him, also represents our divine being and therefore allowing us to fulfill our calling, as if we should be honoured to be giving of our time, talents, and money to support this.
Looking back how could I have been so daft? How could I not have seen through these eyes that I know now to be my own? I could keep leaning on the how, but I must move forward, being grateful for the opportunity to hopefully have long life ahead of me with new decisions.
For so long I felt like I was losing my identity. That it was left behind at that place. How could I know anything now after being so blinded to reality? How could I for so long have been part of something that hurts more people then it helps? Did I not have the right motivation? Was I not giving my life to servant hood? Why did those who left before, leave us behind? Again so many unanswered questions that add no help to the matter of moving on.
I must move on. I am moving on.
With a new identity, perhaps I never lost my identity, but realized I was a part of something that I did not want to have any reflection of. A place and an organization that had no more of me then I allowed it to.
I can hate that place and the man, but it does nothing for me. Perhaps what happened to me and so many others is not right, or not fair. Life is not always fair, but we move forward unloading the pieces that weigh us down and are unnecessary. The pieces that have helped mould who we are, but are not pieces we wish to build our future with.
We move on…
Making better choices today than we did yesterday, holding on to who we are who we truly are. Our identity is our own. No matter what we might go through, what tragedy we endure, what large portion of our life might end, or be severed. We can still move forward through the pain, and end up on the other side identity intact.
